I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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