i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
