Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
