i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
