I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
