saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
