I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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