I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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