never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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