Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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