Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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