i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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