So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
