After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize