When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
