have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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