im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
