i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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