1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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