I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
