the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
