I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
