so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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