Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
