So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
