Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
