Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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