Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
