'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
