I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
