don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
