I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
