I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
