the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
