when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
How external is "for external use only"?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
