its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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