Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
