I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
