It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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