Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
