I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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