So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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