I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
