just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
