I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
