i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
