i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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