At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
