Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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