im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
