My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
