either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
