The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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