I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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