This is not my ceiling
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
