hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
