So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
