Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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